YDA: For those who are born to create drama

She's all growns up...

That's it, it's official.  My once little girl who will be 11 on the 28th of this month is officially a pre-teen.  She has her first school dance coming up tomorrow.  My sister bought her an early birthday present which is an adorable little black dress with gold polka dots.  She has been trying it on for days now, trying to decide how a little dark gold sweater will look with it, if she should wear her glasses or not for the dance, how her hair should be, etc, etc.  The one thing I noticed is her paying attention to her legs because she had not been allowed to shave yet.  With her birthday days away, I informed her that if she wanted to shave her legs for the first time for the dance.  She first tells me that it's okay, she doesn't need to.  Then, last night before she jumped in the shower, she asked if I could show her how to do it because she thought it would look better with her dress.  As I sat with her in the bathroom going over everything she needs and how to do it, I wanted to cry.  Not because I was sad but because as innocent as she still is with life and the world around her, she's growing up.  I feel like it was yesterday that I was sitting outside her 1st school when she started kindergarten crying in my car because she was growing up so fast and here I am 5 years later having a moment.  After she was done, she came and sat with me on the couch to watch some TV and she hugged me and told me that I'm such as awesome mom.  Let's hope I can stay in the awesome mom category as long as possible.

HISTÓRIA DO NATAL DIGITAL

THE STRANGER

THE STRANGER

These photos were taken by my friend Tanya. Love them, love them, love them! For as creepy as they are, they are all haunting images.

Happy Birthday!

A year ago today, my baby girl was born. I feel like I blinked and she's suddenly a year old. With as much as my life has changed because I'm raising 2 girls on my own, I wouldn't change having her. She always has a laugh for me when I'm not at my best. Those big blue eyes of her's will catch mine and she smiles her scrunched up smile. I got all emotional today while I was telling her stories as she was falling asleep for her nap this afternoon, like how at so and so time I couldn't stop looking at her and when I got to telling her that at about this time her father was holding her because he didn't want to put her down, I felt the tears fall before I could stop myself. He and I weren't even speaking when he passed away because of choices he made but I guess the realization has finally begun to settle in that he's really never going to be a part of her life. Unless I get married, she's never going to know what it's like to have a dad or to be spoiled by her father the way a daughter is suppose to. And that thought made me cry. All I can do is my best to make sure she has what she needs and give her all the love I can possibly give. That's all I really can do.

No Doubt - Just A Girl

I love Gwen Stefani. I've loved her since she came out with No Doubt and they were still some obscure SoCal band that played with Sublime (if you have not ever heard it, go listen to "Saw Red" right now!). I love her style, the way she bought the feminine twist to a band full of guys, one who happened to be her ex-boyfriend. I can't even imagine having to be stuck with the person who broke my heart 24/7 and sing about him to his face night after night. I love how she married Gavin Rossdale and they make the perfect rock couple. I love how they named their kids after things that have to do with Bob Marley. I love her clothing line. She's always put together and shares my passion for the perfect red lipstick. She is, in my eyes, the ultimate woman. Plus, this song just makes me want to jump up and down and throw my girlie self around a room in all the happiness I have for being a girl.

I will fight wrinklesto the death!

I've come to (slightly) accept the fact that I am not as young as I once was. I know I'm not wrinkled old lady old but being only three months away from my 35th birthday, I've begun to notice things about myself that I am not happy with. Such as the spider veins that have appeared seemingly overnight on my upper thighs now making wearing a bathing suit during the summer that much more irritating and annoying. Or how about these fine lines around my lips that now cause my favorite red lipstick to bleed unless I spend time prepping my lips before applying the lipstick. Or how the skin around my eyes takes time to boune back from rubbing them (which I know I shouldn't do but I do anyways). I swear the muscles in my neck and back belong to an 80 year and were somehow transplanted into me during my hospital stay when I had the baby. I know I'm holding up much better than some women my age but that's just on the outside. Make-up is a wonderful thing when used correctly. So are all of my wonderful washes, creams and gels! Oh, and how can I forget to thank genetics for which my big boobs, light eyes/dark hair combination and youthful looks would not be possible. All in all, I guess it could be much worse. I could look like Courtney Love.

Quotes that make you go hhhmmmm....

You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have, for instance.  ~Franklin P. Jones

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.  ~Author Unknown

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.  ~Woody Allen

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.  ~Abraham Lincoln

Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness.  ~Richard Carlson

How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then to rest afterward.  ~Spanish Proverb

The world is divided into two kinds of people:  those who have tattoos, and those who are afraid of people with tattoos.  ~Author Unknown     

Your body is a temple, but how long can you live in the same house before you redecorate?  ~Author Unknown

How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.  ~Wayne Dyer

Worthless people blame their karma.  ~Burmese Proverb

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.  ~Author Unknown

If nature had intended our skeletons to be visible it would have put them on the outside of our bodies.  ~Elmer Rice

I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful.  ~Author Unknown

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk.  That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.  ~Ernest Hemingway

I feel sorry for people who don't drink.  When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.  ~Frank Sinatra        

What is it with the chicks that have huge fake boobs and peroxide blonde hair and that creepy baby voice most of them speak in?

I really wish she would give it up already.

My dear mother has been on this furious path with the determination of a sex-starved groupie to marry me off. She seems to have a hard time believing that while life might not be the easiest for me raising two girls on my own, I'm actually okay and happy being by myself. Yes, it would be great to have an actual wedding with the dress and parties and honeymoon but I'm pretty set in my ways. I enjoy not having to check in another person. I like not having someone else over-rule my rules with the girls. I love having my queen size bed all to myself and not having another person hog the covers. I like not having to deal with someone else's baggage beause I have enough of my own. My mother can not fanthom how I can actually be happy. It's almost as if she believes it's all a facade I'm carrying on for the sake of putting on a show for the world. If I happen to make mention of a guy, she will hound me with questions, ask me why haven't I seen more of him (as if she forgot that I have 2 kids to worry about!), why aren't I pushing forward with this, etc., etc. I love my mother and she has been blessed with being able to fall in love with two great men- my dad and my step father-but not everyone is so lucky. Maybe I'm just hard headed but I want someone on my terms. I want a friend who an also be my significant other. Most guys have a hard time dealing with the time frames I give them as to when I can see them. Most guys have a hard time dealing with the fact that I want to take things slow and not jump into bed right away. Just because I have 2 kids does not mean I'm easy. Hell, I've had sex twice in the last 2 years! No matter how many times I can repeat myself to my mother, she still looks at every possible guy as a chance for me to be truly "happy". Another 3 years and I get to leave Miami. Looks like I will have to deal with this face to face until then. Or until someone actually shows up and sweeps me off my feet. Which ever comes first.

David Guetta - Memories (Featuring Kid Cudi)

Right now, this song speaks to me, lyrically and musically. 

I need to get out on a dance floor soon...

*sigh*

Memories Lyrics

all the crazy shit I did

tonight

those will be the best memories

I just wanna let it go for the night

that would be the best

therapy for me

all the crazy shit I did

tonight

those will be the best memories

I just wanna let it go for the night

that would be the best

therapy for me

hey,hey

yeah,yeah

hey,hey

yeah,yeah

hey,hey

yeah,yeah

hey,hey

yeah,yeah...

yeah...

all the crazy shit I did tonight

those will be the best memories

I just wanna let it go for the night

that would be the best

therapy for me

all the crazy shit I did tonight

those will be the best memories

I just wanna let it go for the night

that would be the best

therapy for me

hey,hey

yeah,yeah

hey,hey

yeah,yeah

hey,hey

yeah,yeah

hey,hey

yeah,yeah...

It's getting late but I don't mind

It's getting late but I don't mind

It's getting late but I don't mind

It's getting late but I don't mind

It's getting late but I don't mind

It's getting late but I don't mind

It's getting late but I don't mind

It's getting late but I don't mind

hey,hey

yeah,yeah

hey,hey

yeah,yeah

hey,hey

yeah,yeah

hey,hey

yeah,yeah...

My Musical Moods

I love music.  Almost all kinds of music.  Music is always bonded with memories in my head. Certain music makes me think of people, places and moments. I get depressed that there's not constant theme music playing during moments in my life.  Maybe I watch too many movies to want this to happen but still!  Just so you can understand what it is I'm trying to explain, here a basic list of what certain songs mean to me -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaKnRUfh_5I

Yes you got your spell on me baby
Turning my heart into stone.
I need you so much magic woman
I can't leave you alone.

"Black Magic Woman" by Santana is a cold beer on a hot summer day with the breeze of the ocean blowing through your hair.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxNM7j_ppHI


There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.

"The Wall" by Pink Floyd is siting in a darkened dorm room watching the multi-colored music notes rise from the flame of a burning candle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvF9PAxe5Ng

Turn on...I see red
Adrenaline crash & crash my head
Nitro Junkie, Paint me dead
And I see red

"Fuel" by Metallica is fist flying in the air from pented up rage in a sweaty mosh pit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kuoFiIFkdAA

I'm the one without a soul
I'm the one with this big fucking hole
No new tale to tell
Twenty-six years on my way to hell

"Wish" by Nine Inch Nails is pure hatred bought to life by lyrics only to be released in blood, sweat and tears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CwzMuDi7PcU

go on, take everything take everything i want you to
go on, take everything take everything i dare you to

"Violet" by Hole is the fury of a heartbroken woman.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcNvj12W5Gw

"Out of Body Experience" by Rabbit in the Moon is ecstatic and fluid movements out on a dance floor while the world moves with love around you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXi3mCfv15k

Feel The Funk You'll
Let Me Feel The Load
Get Down With The Boogie
I'm Gonna Knock With The Jungle Boogie
Get Down
Get Down With The Boogie Say

The majority of the Pulp Fiction Soundtrack is a coke and alcohol fueled car ride to the next party.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e69laCvKxEw

Times is rough and tough like leather
Figured out I went the wrong route
So I got with a sick tight clique and went all out
Catchin keys from across seas
Rollin in MPV's, every week we made forty G's
Yo brothas respect mine, or anger the tech nine
Ch-POW! Move from the gate now
 

"C.R.E.A.M." by Wu Tang Clan is a subway ride into the city with my kicks, baggy jeans and a high ponytail while checking out the cute ghetto boys across the aisle from me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wnm4aJe-j4
(okay, not the actual song I'm talking about but still a kick ass Deee Lite song and this samples and remix cd reminds me of my trip to Hungary when I was 21.  See?  Still relevant for the topic!)

DJ On-E's remix of "We Are Family" is a night of kaleidoscope colored people moving to the beat of this drummer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mjd7rZZLHY

I sit by and watch the river flow.
I sit by and watch the traffic go.
Imagine something of your very own

"Dreaming" by Blondie is a walk down Saint Mark's Place in the Village before getting to Washington Square Park in the springtime.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDIaDS9HhMw

Don't you know,
Honey, nobody ever gonna love you
The way I try to do.
Who'll be willing to take your pain
And all your heartache, too ?

"Cry Baby" by Janis Joplin is a tall, cold glass of Black Label and lemonade,  pack of Newports while hiding in the humid shade of a tree on a blanket on the grass.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rarQCyPQTLo

I still remember the first time you said that you love me
You held me in your arms
And said you'd never ever leave me

"Dream Boy Dream Girl" by Cynthia and Johnny O is teeny bopper crushes, late night phone calls and group dates to the movies before you were officially "allowed" to go on dates.


It's not hard for me to come up with the perfect song for the perfect moment in my head.

Possessed TV in South Beach!

http://miami.craigslist.org/mdc/zip/2046963081.html


I kid you not! 

I am generally trolling through craigslist.org because you never know what you can find.  People tend to give anyway just about everything and anything.  That's when I ran into this ad-

RCA tv about 10 years old which goes on and off frequently and generally is in total freak out mode. It may be fixable, it may need an exorcism. Either way it's free for the taking, and hopefully you could pick it up today early to mid afternoon. Text message or (above) email to 66 13 68 55 69. Good luck, etc.

• Location: Lincoln rd. Miami Beach
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

True friends are awesome.

I have are the ones who I know I  had some friends who have been around for a really long time.  These friends are ones I know I can count on no matter is what is going on.  The world could be ending and I know they would call me first to check on me and my girls.  I love these people to no end.  I appreciate them in ways no words can explain.  Right now, I'm with one that I have known since I was 15 years old.  She is like a sister to me and we know each other without ever having to say a word.  I will always thank the higher beings for it.  I just needed to share that.

This one goes out to...

Tonight is dedicated to the memory of Lone. I'm just relaxing at home with a six pack of Mike's Hard Pink Lemonade (which he always use to pick up for me), horror movies playing (which we always decided on watching) and the windows wide open in this 50-something degree weather (which would have reminded us of NYC). The only difference now is I won't have to keep reminding him to be quiet because he was as loud as I was and the 2 of us always got each other riled up. I really miss having him around. This one is for you, Lone.

What a Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong

I'm going to be moving very soon (which will be a rant very soon. This, I can promise.) and as I am slowly packing things away and deciding what stays and what goes, I realize I have a hell of a lot of photo albums, some of which are older than dirt. I get a total kick out of the ones from when I was in 8th grade because of the hairstyles and all of New Kids on the Block in every bedroom photo. Then there are the ones from high school in Jersey and in Miami. Again, my choice of hairstyle is my eldest daughter's constant source of amusement. And all throughout are family holidays with my parents, cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends and so on. Sadly, while I'm going through said photos, I realize that so many of the people in them are no longer here.

Both of my grandmothers are no longer here and it's crazy how much I miss them for totally separate reasons. I miss my Nana Eva (my maternal grandmother0 for her loud, crazy ways. She use to cook up some great holiday meals. It was my mom's childhood apartment in the Bronx is where I spent all of my early childhood holidays. She gave the best hugs and always had them readily available when we got to her house. My Nana Anita (obviously the paternal grandmother) is who I lived with until she passed away was the party grandma. She use to throw some kick ass parties that would last until 6 the next morning. My sister and her use to have a shot of tequila before they would get into discussions. I loved that I got to live with her later in life because we became super close and my eldest had her around to do anything she wished. Our biggest two jokes with each were she was not allowed to cook while I lived there because she could not cook well to save her life and she would take my eldest (she never got to meet my baby) out with her everywhere (usually shopping) and then me upon my return home from work that I owed her money. I'd laugh because she simply did not know how to tell my daughter "no" and when I'd mention that she could simply do so, she would reply (with a heavy Spanish accent), "But why should I tell her no?"

My great-grandmother (maternal) is in a lot of early pictures. We grew up in the same building that she lived in until she became to senile to live alone and went to live with my Aunt Erika. She was a stern but loving woman who spoke very little English (she was from Hungary) and help my young parents raise me. Again, I don't know if it's the Hungarian in them but she had the best hugs. And her little apartment on the 5th floor was always sunny. She use to keep sugar cubes for her tea in a little glass bowl on her table that we use to eat like candy. In her cabinet, she had a drawer that we always knew had the cookies we liked as kids. She use to crochet beautifully and she's the one who taught me how to do so.

My Uncle Andy (maternal) was the biggest trip. He use to introduce himself as "Uncle Andy" to anyone he met. We became close the years he lived down here in Florida. He use to come out and party with all of us and all of our friends knew and loved him. He was one of my mom's older brother and he and my dad had been like brothers. My Uncle Andy had been sick for almost 10 years with cancer, cirrhosis of the liver, Hepatitis among other things. Every time he ended up in the hospital and supposedly on his deathbed, the family would get together and he wold pull through. The doctors couldn't even explain it. I remember walking into the hospital one time and yelling at him, "What the hell are you still doing alive? Die, already! You're making everyone cry and you're still freaking living!" He would laugh at me and say, "You're such a bitch but I love you." That was the kind of relationship we had.

Multiple friends have already gone as well. Johanna passed away right before I was to turn 21 in a car accident. My best friend Diego was killed in his own home when I was 29. My best friend Lone died of an overdose July 4th of 2009, right before my youngest was born. I miss him so much. He was the one person who I could count on for endless things. We had known each other the longest. We grew up togetehr in the same neighborhood in NY. There would be nights I would be home bored and by myself just wanting company and he would show up with a six pack a movie and munchies and we would fall asleep in the middle of the movie. Never failed. Then lastly, Jeremy passed away one month after our daughter was born from the the combination of the OTC medication he was taking for a cold and the prescription medication he was taking for his shoulder. Life's not fair in a lot of ways.

Last but definitely not least, is my dad. He passed away 2 weeks before my 31st birthday. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him or talk out loud to him. I was a Daddy's Girl completely. He just got me and was the buffer between me and my mom. He was happy go lucky and always laughing. The movie Animal House always reminds me of him. Everyone from his friends, family and all of our friends all had a story about my dad that started with "One night, your father and I were out drinking and..." and the hilarity would ensue. I still get chocked up when I think about him or hear a song that reminds me of him. That's what this song is about. He loved this song. While driving to work this morning, I was thinking about him and all the others and this song came on on a station that would not normally play it. All I could do was look up at the rising sun and blue skies between the rain clouds and say, "Hi Dad."

He's getting married.

I found out today that my ex-boyfriend just recently got engaged to his daughter's mother. Now, I can't really say I'm surprised because I called it years ago while he and I were together. I straight out told him he would marry her because of convienence. That he would marry her because she got pregnant while saying she was on birth control right before he was to be stationed down here to ultimately meet me and date me for three years. That he would marry her because she turns a blind eye at all the other women he has had while with her and still has. I knew it was eventually coming but I'm still shocked by it. I don't want to say I'm hurt but it's doing something to me that I can't quite put into words. I was suppose to marry my youngest daughter's father but he got back into drugs and died. So who am I to have some sort of feeling about this all? I know it bothers me that he was making plans to come down soon to see me and I want to keep my mouth shut when he does get in touch with me because, sadly, I know he will. I want to see how far he's going to ty to take it. And all I want to do is give him a big FUCK YOU and a great big punch to the head. Yeah, that'll make me feel better. Until then, I'm going to blast metal until my ears hurt. Thank God for music.

Is it love?

I was told a long while back that in order for a relationship to work, I should make sure that the guy I end up with should love me a bit more than I him.  Now, this never made sense to me.  Why should either person love the other any less than the other?  Wouldn't that mean that I would be settling?  I don't want to have to settle for anyone if I'm planning on spending my life with someone.  And why on Earth would I want to stay with a guy who is so into me and not have the same feelings for him?  But, then I realized that in every relationship I've ever been in, I have always cared about the guy more than they cared about me.  I was always the one who was swept up in love and couldn't even fathom hurting them yet they had no qualms about cheating on me and justifying it as I did not give them enough attention or enough something or another.  So, maybe there is some truth in what I was told.  Maybe, I do need to find a man who will watch me adoringly, who will put my feelings first, who would never think about hurting me.  Or maybe, I'm just a lust junkie.  Just maybe my addictive personality does ruin my relationships.  Maybe I simply want that initial passionate lust that permeates the beginning of every relationship.  Do I even know if I can make it through a truly long term relationship?  The longest one I've been in lasted 3 years and it's not like it should have even lasted that long (again with the cheating!  I swear, he actually carried on other relationships while he was with me!).  Maybe Disney and Hollywood messed me up for good and I can't even see what a good guy I have in front of me.  Because it seems like I have the opportunity to have this good guy if I want him and I know all I have to do is say so but I can't figure out what is stopping me.  No, I'm totally fibbing.  I want that crazy passion and I just don't feel it.  Could I possibly really be that cold ice princess that I've tried to deny for years?  I mean, my perfect relationship is Morticia and Gomez Addams.  No lie!

Aaahh, the perfect harmony of goth and love!

I adore how she is as cool as ice, no emotion visible on her face until that moment she looks at him and you can see the fire burning in her eyes.  And he simply adores her like no other person or object in this galaxy.  He is constantly showering her with love, compliments, affection and she simply allows him to do so because it makes him happy.  I guess that's sort of what I have but what real man is going to be completely happy with a woman who hardly ever shows him affection?  None that I have met so here I am, stuck in the middle.  Who knows any more?  I guess I'll just have to let it play out and figure it out as time goes on.

And now she's walking!

My youngest turned 11 months old a few days ago. She's been walking in short bursts, usually no more than a few feet at a time. This morning, she seems to have decidedd that she onlys wants to walk from now on. The whole day, she has only walked. She hasn't crawle once. While I'm thrilled that she hit this milestone even earlier than my eldest, it just means she's now running from babyhood. It's funny how being a mom is filled with moments of overjealous joy and melancholyall at the same time. Next time I blink, My eldest will be graduating high school and my baby will be wanting to wear make up.

Deadly Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

Years ago, I use to write a zine for a large group of friends. I always had a section where I use to list totally useless and irrelavant information. Once, I listed that caregivers of the physically disabled and handicap were not allowed to give them peanut butter and jelly sandwiches due to the peanut butter being a choking hazard. I'm reading the Miami New Times and there is an article of a woman in the Florida House of Representatives who owns multiple group homes in South Florida. It turns out that in July 2006, a resident of one of these homes died after choking to death on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Now, if I knew this at my rave-filled days of 19 years old, shouldn't have trained nurses prevented the resident from eating said sandwich? I'm just saying.

I am not the owner of the company.

I'm sitting here wondering if I'm even going to get my paycheck because my boss has decided that he has too many meeting to cut paychecks and I either have to wait until 5 o'clock to get mine or wait until Monday.  Here's my problem with this.  Being a single mom, I'm the only one who picks up my daughters from school and day care unless I set it up with a family member ahead of time.  Since I didn't find this out until an hour ago, what does he expect me to do?  Leave them there and say "oh, well"?  I normally get out of work at 2:30 because I only work part time.  I don't mind staying later but not at last minute when I didn't set anything up.  Working only part time forces me to make cuts in things I need, prioritize what needs to be bought and paid for and, yes, like most Americans I live paycheck to paycheck, so when I'm expecting to get paid today in order to do what I need to do for the weekend and the rest of the week, I can't wait until Monday.  It's not like I even get sick hours for when one of the girls get sick or even build up vacation hours to spend time with my girls.  I don't get company insurance and I doubt he even pays workman's comp if I fall from climbing to search through the boxes in the other room.  My stomach is in knots and I'm giving myself a headache now because I have no idea what is going on or how I'm even going to get home with no gas in my car and $2 in my wallet.  This sucks so much that I want to jump on his desk and scream in his face.  I do not like being put in this situation, especially is have done my work and when he knows what my situation is.  Seriously, I'm trying to make ends meet on about $315 a week for me and 2 kids.  Waiting for money is not an option for me.  If I'm expecting it, that means I need it.  I keep praying in head that he'll even cut me my check manually, even if it's not for the full amount just so I can get done what needs to be done immediately.  I think I'm going to be sick. 

Why don't we, why don't we, why don't we...run away!

What I would give to simply pack up the girls and me and get the hell out of here and start over somewhere, anywhere but here. This house is like a blackhole sucking the life out of me. The last three years here has bought me nothing but stress, sadness and lose. I know I'm moving in the next three weeks but it seems like while I'm here, I'm paying for evil deeds of a past life. I'm truely getting sick of hearing "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". Seriously, who the hell does God think I am? I'm stressed to the point of not being able to sleep, not being able to eat and wanting to hide a cry. I hate crying. I get all red and puffy. So not a good look for me. What I want is out of this city. I feel like I don't have anything here anymore. My family is here but what else? I know that having them around is important but I can't take being here right now. I want to start completely anew and I can't do that here. I've tried many times and it doesn't work. Whatever. I want to live the song Runaway by Deee Lite. I want to take off and not look back. Why is it so hard to do just that?

The New Guy

I work for an interior design firm.  It's a small company but I always had a preference for small companies because they feel more like a family than work.  I happen to love my job.  I have the best time at work and even though I am not a morning person and the commute is a bit much in Miami traffic terms, I don't mind because I love it.  Now, of the 5 of us who are here on a daily basis, I am the only straight single woman and I'm the youngest one here.  At almost 35, I like that.  So, we have a new guy starting here officially on Monday November 1st.  He came into the office today to meet everyone and to meet with the owner.  Needless to say, he's a pretty good looking guy or else I wouldn't be writing about him.  He's got that baritone voice that my knees melt for, not too pretty looking, nicely dressed and smelt amazing.  (No, I didn't attack him at the door but he did have to pass right by me so I considered myself lucky.  That would have just been creepy.)  When he starts, he's going to be sitting right next to me.  And I don't mean at a desk that's a few feet away.  I'm talking about I can straighten out my left arm, stretch about 6 inches to the left  and I could hit him in the head.  Not that he brings about any feelings of violence but you get the picture.  That's kinda close for new people but I don't mind.  I do mind that now I'm going to have to primp and look good every day when I come to work.  I do mind because I'm going to be self-conscious if I have anything stuck in my teeth, if I forgot deodorant, if my lunch made my breath smells, if my boob is coming out of my shirt, if my outfit makes me looks fats, if I have a booger hanging from my nose when I sneezed, etc., etc.  This constant self-consciousness will last until I find out his sexual orientation.  I say this because I am 1 of the only 2 straight people in this office and the other is a married man.  So, my days will now be filled with more chatter as he sits to my left.  If I find out he's batting for the other team, then it'll be fun.  But if he is straight, then I'm going to have to force myself to throw him into the friend zone so I can get over myself.  But "Temptation" by Corina will be playing in my head until I know.

My Aria

After having a tearful heart to heart with my ten year old daughter, my heart hurts and I want to cry. She was upset and not wanting to go to school tomorrow. When I finally got her to tell me why, she bursted out in tears to say that no one likes her. In her mind, the kids in her class think she's mean, that she's fat (@ 10, she stands at 5'2" and weighs 120 and wears a size 8 1/2 women's shoe!) and that they hate her. She feels like she only has her one best friend and that the other girls keep trying to take her away so she'll have no one. She says she tries to talk to some of the kids in her class but they walk away from her after she says hi. She cries as she tells me that no one talks to her in class. All she wants is for them to like her. She says this is why she gets so fustrated in the mornings trying to figure out how to do her hair because she wants to look nice. I watch her look at herself so critically in the mirror and it hurts that all I can do is hug her and not fix it. I'm her mother. I'm suppose to be able to fix it when she hurts. It all reminded me of when I was that age and how I felt ugly and fat and how the group of girls I thought were my friends turned their backs on me and started talking about me. Why do girls have to go through this? Is it really that difficult to teach our daughters how not to be catty and accepting of who a person is rather than what they look like? What am I suppose to do for her? I don't like feeling helpless like this. I'm suppose to make sure she's smiling. How am I suppose to help her make it better? Is there even a way of making it better?

Junkie

I'll admit it.  I am a total freebie site junkie.  I can not get enough of them.  I love going to my mailbox every day when I get home and checking to see if any of the free things I ordered is waiting for me to try.  I have gotten all kinds of free crap from makeup samples to diapers to free photo printing to food.  I love it!  I have no idea when it started but as far back as I can remember, I was always sending away for free things.  Half the time, I know it's not anything I need but it's free, damn it!  And that makes me want it.  Do I really need 4 different ring sizers?  No but I might.  Do I really need that Salvation Army Christmas calendar?  No, but someone else I know might.  I don't even like my daughter's dog but I'll order free treats and food for it.  I never know if I'll need any of the free things I get but why not have them just in case.  Well, at least this isn't an addiction that will put me in a rehab, psych ward or in a grave. 

WE ARE ONLY HUMAN.

There's nothing more unattractive than a man who can not hold his liquor. It's just sad.

Baby Mama

I drive a 1994 Ford Tempo which drives surprisingly well, has cold A/C, a working radio and has less than 80,000 miles.  I really can't complain because, hey, at least I have a car and it doesn't look as if it's falling apart.  But, because it's a basic car, I only have radio which means my musical fix gets chopped up in the mornings by radio djs talking the world of garbage.  I admit, some of it is entertaining and funny, but other times I'm forced to constantly change channels for 15 minutes straight before I find actual music and not talking.  This particular morning, a female dj on a popular Miami radio station admits that she would love to be called a "baby mama".  She finds it hot.  The moments those words came out of her mouth, I felt my face flush and my blood begin to boil.  Here's why:

According to www.urbandictionary.com, this is the first 6 definitions of the meaning of "baby mama" -

1. The mother of your child(ren), whom you did not marry and with whom you are not currently involved.

2. A term used to define an unmarried young woman (but can be a woman of any age) who has had a child. As mentioned before in another definition, most of the time it is used for when it was simply a sexual relationship, compared to ex-wife or girlfriend. Usually this has a negative connotation, a lot of baby mamas are seen as desperate, gold digging, emotionally starved, shady women who had a baby out of spite or to keep a man. Sometimes they may act like this because of missed child support payments, unfulfilled promises by the father, or convenient sex by the father. Either or both may exist in any situation.

 3. Basically a woman you had a child or children with who you didnt marry and or no longer involved with.Usually associated with hoodrats and trailer park bitches.

4.  1.Who to make the check out to.
     2.The mother of your children.
     3.A source of endless emotional pain and/or headaches

5. A woman who has a child out of wedlock with a man. She may or may not be in a relationship with the man, but most of the time, she's not. She may think she has some sort of postion or leverage in the man's life, just because she had a child with the man, but all she is, is a baby mama, nothing else. Some baby mamas use the child as a pawn or weapon to "get what they want" from the child's father, IE: money, food, sex, etc. If the man is in a realtionship with a woman who has no children, the baby mama may become jealous and cause baby mama drama. A stereotype associated with baby mama's is they are poor, lazy bitches who trapped the man into getting her pregnant or tricked him by saying she was on the pill, thinking the man would pay her way in life just because she has a child with him. Not all baby mama's are like that. The majority of them just act like they can control the man just because they had a seed with them, and make it difficult for the man and threaten to take the child away or sue for more child support if the baby mama doesn't get her way.

6. a term used for females who had a baby by a guy that does not claim them, hence, THEY ARE NOT TOGETHER. a lot of girls, namely wiggers/wigger bitches think it's cute to be a dude baby mama and proudly brag about it and try to attach "wifey" along to the title. this is a key sign of a fake bitch who aint from the ghetto but just tryna be down usin the word completely out of context. once you're a baby mama, THAT'S IT. you're nothing more. it's not a compliment. yall aint special. or else you wouldn't be referred to as a baby mama. havin a dude baby don't mean you have some sort of significance in his life. and him referring to you as his baby mama is just his way of sayin he don't love you and will dread the next 18 years and regrets that night 9 months ago.

 Mind you, there were over 20 more definitions after these initial 6 but they all boiled down to the same thing.  I abhor that term.  I find it disgustingly derogatory.  I don't find it endearing.  It is not something that is said in a positive manner.  It makes you appear to be trashy.  I work hard as hell to take care of my girls by myself.  I do not sit on my ass all day long bitching about how I'm waiting all the time on child support and constantly complaining about my girls' fathers.  Yes, they have 2 different fathers.  Yes, if it wasn't for Medicaid, they wouldn't have health insurance.  But I work and have always worked.  I have never caused drama in either father's life.  I do not expect for someone to swoop down and sweep me off my feet to take care of me.  I am realist.  I do it myself.  Why on Earth would any self-respecting woman want to be called a "baby mama"?!?  You are a mother of a child.  Do not stand to be called anything less if you want to be treated with dignified respect.  Honestly, the ignorance of some people make me wonder why they were given the ability to speak. 

Define Nostalgia

nos·tal·gia  /nɒˈstældʒə, -dʒiə, nə-/ Show Spelled[no-stal-juh, -jee-uh, nuh-] 

–noun

1. a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time: a nostalgia for his college days.

2. something that elicits or displays nostalgia.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcNvj12W5Gw 

 

With as stressed as I am lately with life bombarding me with things I wish I didn't have to deal with, I heard a song this morning that transported me back to 1995.  Now, 1995 was a pleasantly insane year filled with music, colors, lights and motions.  It was filled with endless dancing and love for new found friends (which could be made every night) and a carefree attitude that only a 19 year old could have with no true responsibilities or worries.  It was freedom at it's best.  This is what it looked like for me - 

That's me with the sunglasses and my infamous Snoopy backpack.

I was beginning to find myself and realize who I was.  Regardless of the fact that it took massive amounts of hallucinogenics and MDMA.  It was too much fun for simple words.  The entire world was within reach and all I had to do was dance towards it.  The dance floor in The Edge, Paragon, Warsaw, Diamante's, etc, etc was where I found divine enlightenment.  It's where I found the words to express what it was I was seeing.  It was where I could be in the here and now and not worry about what just happened 5 minutes ago or worry about what hadn't even happened yet.  It was where I felt love.  Even as the years went by, the dance floor was the only place that I felt like me and could feel free.

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/additem/153756433    Go listen to this song!

I've come to figure out that I don't dance much anymore these days.  Between adding years onto my age, 2 daughters that I raise by myself, food to be cooked, dishes to be washed, laundry to be done, floors to be mopped, work to get to, driving around half of Miami on a daily basis, I long for a moment of that feeling again.  I can put on Rabbit in the Moon's "Out of Body Experience" and I will literally feel the chills go up my spine and a feeling of elation take over.  My heart rides a roller coaster to that song. I just want it for one night without the drug combinations.     It was never about the drugs.  It was the music.  I can listen to some songs and pick apart the complicated beats and melodies and find that bass line that I can groove to.  I can go on private get away's in the comfort of my car by throwing the speakers on full blast.  I need a night out of no worries and only dancing.  Will I get?  Who knows but I can always hope.

"You have to hear this song.  It will change your life."

The jungle re-mixes on this CD by DJ On-E is what became my soundtrack while roaming around Budapest, Hungary.

Decorations for hand Puppets

http://www.playlounge.co.uk/products/?prod=543

Seriously?!?!

 

 

 

I can not make this stuff up if I tried.  When did using your imagination for hand puppets become a thing of the past where as now you need actually decoration for your hand to be believable as, oh, let's say an alligator.  I guess if you can think it up, there will be people on this planet who will buy it.  Even if they are buying it in secret and playing by themselves in a darken room.  Then that's just a bit scary.

NY77:The Coolest Year in Hell Punk Part 1 (AKA The Year My Dad Turned 21)

I was 1 years old during the summer of '77 when the birth of punk and hip hop took place in NYC. My mom was 17 and my dad was 20. Both of them young and full of promise. I grew up to art house, punk music, and early hip hop constantly playing in my home. My parents were into the underground music scene in the late 70s and early 80s and I benefited from it. Blondie was queen and The Ramones Lords of the Land! My musical tastes have such a wide range and I'm a plethora of useless information because of it. Today, my dad would have been 56 years old. He died February 5, 2007, exactly two weeks before my 31st birthday. It's been three and half years and I don't think...no, I know I haven't reached some tranquil state of mind about it. I'm still highly pissed off that the doctor's still don't know what virus attacked the muscles of his heart and caused him to die. I'm still bitter that because of his death, my Uncle Andy gave up his fight with cancer and died one month and one day later and that my grandmother couldn't stop mourning the death of her only son and died of cancer (that she didn't have when he was alive) one year one month and one day after him. It still hurts to look at pictures of him because my eyes burn with tears, my throat swells up and it takes me a minute to gather myself in front of people to continue speaking. I hate looking weak in front of people and his death still makes me feel like a lost and crying three year old. I wish with everything that I am that he was still here. Things would be different, or at least I'm under the belief that it would have been. But that could just be my little girl-like fantasy of still having my dad around. I was a complete daddy's girl. He was my rock to crash against when the weather got too rough. He was my buffer between my mom and I. I could always say the same thing to the both of them but it was as if my father had to translate it into something my mother could understand for her to get what I was saying. I guess that just a mother-daughter thing. He was always laughing at the most ridiculous things. Everyone has a story of him that starts with "Me and your father were out drinking and...(insert chaotic craziness and drunken hilarity here)". Even I had some stories like this. I know it's suppose to hurt less every day but what if it doesn't? What if this a constant hole in my heart that's never going to be filled no matter what I do? What if I can't get rid of this cold that surrounds me and keeps good men away? I know I'm lucky to have some good men in my life who are there for me as a father-figure like my dad's best friend from the time they were 8 and my godfather Victor, all my siblings' godfathers who were in that same 8 year olds group, my mom's current husband (who is spookily - I think I just made up that word! - enough like being around my dad) Tom but it's not the same as having him here.

I love you, Dad, and I miss you every day that you're not here! Happy birthday, Pops!

I just had the MDPD show up at my front door telling me they received an anonymous tip that I was running a marijuana grow house. WTF?!?!

The Cure - Just Like Heaven

This is what falling in love should sounds like. This what my heart will sing when it has found a missing piece. This song makes me smile in spite of myself. This is the song that will play when it is time for the proverbial "our" first song. This song makes me want to sway along to the melody and not stop. This song makes me love my red lipstick even more. This song reminds me of when things were much simpler. This song reminds of friends who moved far away and I miss dearly. This song reminds me of people I use to be friends with. This song reminds me of guys I drunkenly lusted after. This song makes me want to pull someone closer and move our bodies to the sweetly constructed beat like a choreographed dream. This song....

The Police - Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic

You know that moment in a movie when the lead guy looks over and sees the lead chick and suddenly, his eyes widen and music starts playing in his head about her? Well, this is want I want to play in some guy's head when he looks at me. That's not too much to ask for, is it?

Totally Useless Fact of the Day

The state fish of Hawaii is the humuhumunukunukuapua'a. The Hawaiian name roughly translates to "the fish with a pig-like nose". It's English name is the Reef Triggerfish.

How do...

I wonder what people think of me sometimes.  How do I look walking around with my tattoos, two kids obviously far apart in age and wedding ring on my left hand.  How do I come off to the guy at the bar next to me when I'm ordering a Hennessey ad ginger ale all made up, trying my best to appear aloof yet approachable. How does my family see me struggling to raise my girls on my paycheck with no help when they expected me to accomplish so much.How will my daughters look at their childhood?  Will they see all I did for them or will they see what they didn't have?  How do I see me?  Sometimes I see a strong and able woman who can do it all with no worries.  Other times, I look at myself and wonder what the hell happened.  I know this isn't the life I had pictured but it's my life, for better or for worse.  You know what, screw the world.  I'm me and for all my quirks and faults and habits, it's what is here.  I'll make the best of it because I have to.  Who cares if you don't like me.  I'm good.

Yeasayer - O.N.E (XXXchange Remix)

Dan Savage for President!

Gay Kids Are Dying, Fuck Your Feelings

October 14, 2010

I was listening to the radio yesterday morning, and I heard an interview with you about your It Gets Better campaign. I was saddened and frustrated with your comments regarding people of faith and their perpetuation of bullying. As someone who loves the Lord and does not support gay marriage, I can honestly say I was heartbroken to hear about the young man who took his own life.
If your message is that we should not judge people based on their sexual preference, how do you justify judging entire groups of people for any other reason (including their faith)? There is no part of me that took any pleasure in what happened to that young man, and I know for a fact that is true of many other people who disagree with your viewpoint.
To that end, to imply that I would somehow encourage my children to mock, hurt, or intimidate another person for any reason is completely unfounded and offensive. Being a follower of Christ is, above all things, a recognition that we are all imperfect, fallible, and in desperate need of a savior. We cannot believe that we are better or more worthy than other people.
Please consider your viewpoint, and please be more careful with your words in the future.
—L.R.


I'm sorry your feelings were hurt by my comments.
No, wait. I'm not. Gay kids are dying. So let's try to keep things in perspective: Fuck your feelings.
A question: Do you "support" atheist marriage? Interfaith marriage? Divorce and remarriage? All are legal, all go against Christian and/or traditional ideas about marriage, and yet there's no "Christian" movement to deny marriage rights to atheists or people marrying outside their respective faiths or people divorcing and remarrying.
Why the hell not?
Sorry, L.R., but so long as you support the denial of marriage rights to same-sex couples, it's clear that you do believe that some people—straight people—are "better or more worthy" than others.
And—sorry—but you are partly responsible for the bullying and physical violence being visited on vulnerable LGBT children. The kids of people who see gay people as sinful or damaged or disordered and unworthy of full civil equality—even if those people strive to express their bigotry in the politest possible way (at least when they happen to be addressing a gay person)—learn to see gay people as sinful, damaged, disordered, and unworthy. And while there may not be any gay adults or couples where you live, or at your church, or in your workplace, I promise you that there are gay and lesbian children in your schools. And while you can only attack gays and lesbians at the ballot box, nice and impersonally, your children have the option of attacking actual gays and lesbians, in person, in real time.
Real gay and lesbian children. Not political abstractions, not "sinners." Gay and lesbian children.
Try to keep up: The dehumanizing bigotries that fall from the lips of "faithful Christians," and the lies about us that vomit out from the pulpits of churches that "faithful Christians" drag their kids to on Sundays, give your children license to verbally abuse, humiliate, and condemn the gay children they encounter at school. And many of your children—having listened to Mom and Dad talk about how gay marriage is a threat to family and how gay sex makes their magic sky friend Jesus cry—feel justified in physically abusing the LGBT children they encounter in their schools. You don't have to explicitly "encourage [your] children to mock, hurt, or intimidate" queer kids. Your encouragement—along with your hatred and fear—is implicit. It's here, it's clear, and we're seeing the fruits of it: dead children.
Oh, and those same dehumanizing bigotries that fill your straight children with hate? They fill your gay children with suicidal despair. And you have the nerve to ask me to be more careful with my words?
Did that hurt to hear? Good. But it couldn't have hurt nearly as much as what was said and done to Asher Brown and Justin Aaberg and Billy Lucas and Cody Barker and Seth Walsh—day-in, day-out for years—at schools filled with bigoted little monsters created not in the image of a loving God, but in the image of the hateful and false "followers of Christ" they call Mom and Dad.

Affirmations To Find True Love (Otherwise Known As What You Tell Yourself When You Think Love Is A Crock)

So, I get emails every day from this website with inspirational quotes and messages and so forth.  Hey, don't judge me because now a days, I'd rather punch someone in the face before they even open their mouth to speak rather then letting them say something stupid and then punching them in the face.  Today's email had these 9 affirmation that you should repeat to yourself in the mirror every morning to help you find your true love.  Now, I'm a firm believer that Disney and every romantic comedy ("You mean to tell me that there really isn't anyone like Lloyd Dobbler out there for me?!?!) screwed us all up with the notion of a true love and that you can have more than one love of your life.  I happen to very conveniently confuse lust with love so maybe this email should really mean something to me.  Then again, maybe not.

Fear and Worry: Love will never find me (Let's consider for a second that you  might be living on some remote island where the only inhabitants are you and your goat.  How in the hell would you expect for love to find you.  Unless you're into zoophilia, then you wouldn't have to look any further than your barn, would you?  For everyone else, love's found you.  You either misunderstood Love's drunken advances or were sleeping.  I'm sure I was sleeping.  Or I could have been too drunk to notice.)

Try this Affirmation:

I open my heart to myself and I trust that true love will follow.

Fear and Worry: I am unlovable and feel unworthy of being loved. (Are you grotesque?  Are you a head and spinal cord living in a box with a traveling freak show?  Have you not seen some of the funky looking people of the world that have managed to marry and procreate?

 Trust me, you are not that unbecoming where you can be deemed unlovable.  Unless you are in jail for multiple homicide and will never see the light of day again.)
Try this affirmation:
I am lovable and worthy of receiving love. (No shit?  Really?)

Fear and Worry: I am too depressed to be in a relationship. (Look, everyone goes through moments in their life where life seems bleak and you don't want to get out of bed and wish you could wrap yourself in your comforter all day long.  How do you think the pharmaceutical companies stay in business?  But there's hope - every hear of the saying "Misery loves company"?  Well, go out and find that equally miserable person and the 2 of you just might make each other happy.  If not, you can always trade pills.)

Try this affirmation:

I choose to rejoice. My soul mate will be attracted to my joy!

Fear and Worry: I have too much emotional and life baggage. (Everyone has baggage, whether it be emotional or otherwise.  It's how you decide you're gong to carry it around.  Unfashionable fanny pack or in Prada, baby!)

Try this affirmation:

I release whatever is standing in the way of love

Fear and Worry: I always choose the wrong partners. (This one is especially for me.  I seem to create the most beautiful and awesome children from some of the most awful men on the planet.  Case in point, one is in jail and the other is dead, both thanks to drugs.  I sure know how to pick 'em.  But I will be the first to admit that I know I pick them wrong because the Saint Agatha, Patron Saint to Nurses, believes that I can fix them and make them better.  I pick the crazy assholes because I find that I'm attracted to the slightly crazy. [Hence my unhealthy attraction to Marines.]  I am consciously aware of my bad decisions.  Can I change them?  Sure I can.  Do I believe by repeating an affirmation every morning that I will change it?  Hell no.  What I need to do is start carrying around a check list with such things as "Went to college", "Does not have multiple kids but 6 different women", "Has grown out of wearing his tuxedo t-shirt to formal occasions" on it.  Then I might find someone good.)

Try this affirmation:

I say goodbye to the wrong relationships and say hello to true love.

Fear and Worry: I am too old or unattractive to find love. (This one bothers me because a lot of women now a days have put off children and marriage to pursue other avenues in their lives.  To this I say "YOU GO, MS. DIVA!!"  And, a lot of guys have let their inner player out to play for a bit too long and end up marrying a 20 year who will inevitably divorce him a few years later and bleed him dry.  But, I digress.  No one is too old to find love.  You can always hear stories in any retirement home where 2 widowers meet and fall in love and get married at age 80.  It happens.  As for the ugly part, take a look at this - 

 

Try this affirmation:

I am beautiful and young at heart and I express my beauty from the inside out.

Fear and Worry: I feel confused about real love and don’t trust myself to find it. (What makes you think that anyone has any idea about true love.  They only know what worked for them.  Everyone and their mother can give you all kinds of advice but you need to find out what works for through trial and error.  Will you ever get it right?  How the hell should I know?  I obviously haven't but I can always hope I will.)

Try this affirmation:

I let my soul guide me to my soul mate and trust it knows the way.

Fear and Worry: Maybe God is passing me by for love and happiness. (With whatever deity you might pray to, do you really believe that their only job in all the universes is to find you a soul mate?  Forget about famine, disease, cruelty and abuse.  Your love life is the only thing that is important to your god.  Right.  What your god wants you to do is get off your ass, get out of the lonely people chat rooms and get outside into the real world.  How do you ever expect to meet anyone from the comfort of your couch?  Think about it.)

Try this affirmation:

My time has come. Love is in the air. I breathe it in and embrace it as my own.

And, last but not least.....

Fear and Worry: I will never find happiness in my life. (Dude, there's medication for this type of unhappiness.  They don't call it a "Happy Prozac Morning" for nothing.  Get thee to a doctor!)

 

Try this affirmation:

Happiness is mine for the claiming. I choose happiness now.