Affirmations To Find True Love (Otherwise Known As What You Tell Yourself When You Think Love Is A Crock)

So, I get emails every day from this website with inspirational quotes and messages and so forth.  Hey, don't judge me because now a days, I'd rather punch someone in the face before they even open their mouth to speak rather then letting them say something stupid and then punching them in the face.  Today's email had these 9 affirmation that you should repeat to yourself in the mirror every morning to help you find your true love.  Now, I'm a firm believer that Disney and every romantic comedy ("You mean to tell me that there really isn't anyone like Lloyd Dobbler out there for me?!?!) screwed us all up with the notion of a true love and that you can have more than one love of your life.  I happen to very conveniently confuse lust with love so maybe this email should really mean something to me.  Then again, maybe not.

Fear and Worry: Love will never find me (Let's consider for a second that you  might be living on some remote island where the only inhabitants are you and your goat.  How in the hell would you expect for love to find you.  Unless you're into zoophilia, then you wouldn't have to look any further than your barn, would you?  For everyone else, love's found you.  You either misunderstood Love's drunken advances or were sleeping.  I'm sure I was sleeping.  Or I could have been too drunk to notice.)

Try this Affirmation:

I open my heart to myself and I trust that true love will follow.

Fear and Worry: I am unlovable and feel unworthy of being loved. (Are you grotesque?  Are you a head and spinal cord living in a box with a traveling freak show?  Have you not seen some of the funky looking people of the world that have managed to marry and procreate?

 Trust me, you are not that unbecoming where you can be deemed unlovable.  Unless you are in jail for multiple homicide and will never see the light of day again.)
Try this affirmation:
I am lovable and worthy of receiving love. (No shit?  Really?)

Fear and Worry: I am too depressed to be in a relationship. (Look, everyone goes through moments in their life where life seems bleak and you don't want to get out of bed and wish you could wrap yourself in your comforter all day long.  How do you think the pharmaceutical companies stay in business?  But there's hope - every hear of the saying "Misery loves company"?  Well, go out and find that equally miserable person and the 2 of you just might make each other happy.  If not, you can always trade pills.)

Try this affirmation:

I choose to rejoice. My soul mate will be attracted to my joy!

Fear and Worry: I have too much emotional and life baggage. (Everyone has baggage, whether it be emotional or otherwise.  It's how you decide you're gong to carry it around.  Unfashionable fanny pack or in Prada, baby!)

Try this affirmation:

I release whatever is standing in the way of love

Fear and Worry: I always choose the wrong partners. (This one is especially for me.  I seem to create the most beautiful and awesome children from some of the most awful men on the planet.  Case in point, one is in jail and the other is dead, both thanks to drugs.  I sure know how to pick 'em.  But I will be the first to admit that I know I pick them wrong because the Saint Agatha, Patron Saint to Nurses, believes that I can fix them and make them better.  I pick the crazy assholes because I find that I'm attracted to the slightly crazy. [Hence my unhealthy attraction to Marines.]  I am consciously aware of my bad decisions.  Can I change them?  Sure I can.  Do I believe by repeating an affirmation every morning that I will change it?  Hell no.  What I need to do is start carrying around a check list with such things as "Went to college", "Does not have multiple kids but 6 different women", "Has grown out of wearing his tuxedo t-shirt to formal occasions" on it.  Then I might find someone good.)

Try this affirmation:

I say goodbye to the wrong relationships and say hello to true love.

Fear and Worry: I am too old or unattractive to find love. (This one bothers me because a lot of women now a days have put off children and marriage to pursue other avenues in their lives.  To this I say "YOU GO, MS. DIVA!!"  And, a lot of guys have let their inner player out to play for a bit too long and end up marrying a 20 year who will inevitably divorce him a few years later and bleed him dry.  But, I digress.  No one is too old to find love.  You can always hear stories in any retirement home where 2 widowers meet and fall in love and get married at age 80.  It happens.  As for the ugly part, take a look at this - 

 

Try this affirmation:

I am beautiful and young at heart and I express my beauty from the inside out.

Fear and Worry: I feel confused about real love and don’t trust myself to find it. (What makes you think that anyone has any idea about true love.  They only know what worked for them.  Everyone and their mother can give you all kinds of advice but you need to find out what works for through trial and error.  Will you ever get it right?  How the hell should I know?  I obviously haven't but I can always hope I will.)

Try this affirmation:

I let my soul guide me to my soul mate and trust it knows the way.

Fear and Worry: Maybe God is passing me by for love and happiness. (With whatever deity you might pray to, do you really believe that their only job in all the universes is to find you a soul mate?  Forget about famine, disease, cruelty and abuse.  Your love life is the only thing that is important to your god.  Right.  What your god wants you to do is get off your ass, get out of the lonely people chat rooms and get outside into the real world.  How do you ever expect to meet anyone from the comfort of your couch?  Think about it.)

Try this affirmation:

My time has come. Love is in the air. I breathe it in and embrace it as my own.

And, last but not least.....

Fear and Worry: I will never find happiness in my life. (Dude, there's medication for this type of unhappiness.  They don't call it a "Happy Prozac Morning" for nothing.  Get thee to a doctor!)

 

Try this affirmation:

Happiness is mine for the claiming. I choose happiness now.