Happy Birthday!

A year ago today, my baby girl was born. I feel like I blinked and she's suddenly a year old. With as much as my life has changed because I'm raising 2 girls on my own, I wouldn't change having her. She always has a laugh for me when I'm not at my best. Those big blue eyes of her's will catch mine and she smiles her scrunched up smile. I got all emotional today while I was telling her stories as she was falling asleep for her nap this afternoon, like how at so and so time I couldn't stop looking at her and when I got to telling her that at about this time her father was holding her because he didn't want to put her down, I felt the tears fall before I could stop myself. He and I weren't even speaking when he passed away because of choices he made but I guess the realization has finally begun to settle in that he's really never going to be a part of her life. Unless I get married, she's never going to know what it's like to have a dad or to be spoiled by her father the way a daughter is suppose to. And that thought made me cry. All I can do is my best to make sure she has what she needs and give her all the love I can possibly give. That's all I really can do.

No Doubt - Just A Girl

I love Gwen Stefani. I've loved her since she came out with No Doubt and they were still some obscure SoCal band that played with Sublime (if you have not ever heard it, go listen to "Saw Red" right now!). I love her style, the way she bought the feminine twist to a band full of guys, one who happened to be her ex-boyfriend. I can't even imagine having to be stuck with the person who broke my heart 24/7 and sing about him to his face night after night. I love how she married Gavin Rossdale and they make the perfect rock couple. I love how they named their kids after things that have to do with Bob Marley. I love her clothing line. She's always put together and shares my passion for the perfect red lipstick. She is, in my eyes, the ultimate woman. Plus, this song just makes me want to jump up and down and throw my girlie self around a room in all the happiness I have for being a girl.

I will fight wrinklesto the death!

I've come to (slightly) accept the fact that I am not as young as I once was. I know I'm not wrinkled old lady old but being only three months away from my 35th birthday, I've begun to notice things about myself that I am not happy with. Such as the spider veins that have appeared seemingly overnight on my upper thighs now making wearing a bathing suit during the summer that much more irritating and annoying. Or how about these fine lines around my lips that now cause my favorite red lipstick to bleed unless I spend time prepping my lips before applying the lipstick. Or how the skin around my eyes takes time to boune back from rubbing them (which I know I shouldn't do but I do anyways). I swear the muscles in my neck and back belong to an 80 year and were somehow transplanted into me during my hospital stay when I had the baby. I know I'm holding up much better than some women my age but that's just on the outside. Make-up is a wonderful thing when used correctly. So are all of my wonderful washes, creams and gels! Oh, and how can I forget to thank genetics for which my big boobs, light eyes/dark hair combination and youthful looks would not be possible. All in all, I guess it could be much worse. I could look like Courtney Love.

Quotes that make you go hhhmmmm....

You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have, for instance.  ~Franklin P. Jones

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.  ~Author Unknown

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.  ~Woody Allen

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.  ~Abraham Lincoln

Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness.  ~Richard Carlson

How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then to rest afterward.  ~Spanish Proverb

The world is divided into two kinds of people:  those who have tattoos, and those who are afraid of people with tattoos.  ~Author Unknown     

Your body is a temple, but how long can you live in the same house before you redecorate?  ~Author Unknown

How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.  ~Wayne Dyer

Worthless people blame their karma.  ~Burmese Proverb

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.  ~Author Unknown

If nature had intended our skeletons to be visible it would have put them on the outside of our bodies.  ~Elmer Rice

I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful.  ~Author Unknown

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk.  That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.  ~Ernest Hemingway

I feel sorry for people who don't drink.  When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.  ~Frank Sinatra        

What is it with the chicks that have huge fake boobs and peroxide blonde hair and that creepy baby voice most of them speak in?

I really wish she would give it up already.

My dear mother has been on this furious path with the determination of a sex-starved groupie to marry me off. She seems to have a hard time believing that while life might not be the easiest for me raising two girls on my own, I'm actually okay and happy being by myself. Yes, it would be great to have an actual wedding with the dress and parties and honeymoon but I'm pretty set in my ways. I enjoy not having to check in another person. I like not having someone else over-rule my rules with the girls. I love having my queen size bed all to myself and not having another person hog the covers. I like not having to deal with someone else's baggage beause I have enough of my own. My mother can not fanthom how I can actually be happy. It's almost as if she believes it's all a facade I'm carrying on for the sake of putting on a show for the world. If I happen to make mention of a guy, she will hound me with questions, ask me why haven't I seen more of him (as if she forgot that I have 2 kids to worry about!), why aren't I pushing forward with this, etc., etc. I love my mother and she has been blessed with being able to fall in love with two great men- my dad and my step father-but not everyone is so lucky. Maybe I'm just hard headed but I want someone on my terms. I want a friend who an also be my significant other. Most guys have a hard time dealing with the time frames I give them as to when I can see them. Most guys have a hard time dealing with the fact that I want to take things slow and not jump into bed right away. Just because I have 2 kids does not mean I'm easy. Hell, I've had sex twice in the last 2 years! No matter how many times I can repeat myself to my mother, she still looks at every possible guy as a chance for me to be truly "happy". Another 3 years and I get to leave Miami. Looks like I will have to deal with this face to face until then. Or until someone actually shows up and sweeps me off my feet. Which ever comes first.

David Guetta - Memories (Featuring Kid Cudi)

Right now, this song speaks to me, lyrically and musically. 

I need to get out on a dance floor soon...

*sigh*

Memories Lyrics

all the crazy shit I did

tonight

those will be the best memories

I just wanna let it go for the night

that would be the best

therapy for me

all the crazy shit I did

tonight

those will be the best memories

I just wanna let it go for the night

that would be the best

therapy for me

hey,hey

yeah,yeah

hey,hey

yeah,yeah

hey,hey

yeah,yeah

hey,hey

yeah,yeah...

yeah...

all the crazy shit I did tonight

those will be the best memories

I just wanna let it go for the night

that would be the best

therapy for me

all the crazy shit I did tonight

those will be the best memories

I just wanna let it go for the night

that would be the best

therapy for me

hey,hey

yeah,yeah

hey,hey

yeah,yeah

hey,hey

yeah,yeah

hey,hey

yeah,yeah...

It's getting late but I don't mind

It's getting late but I don't mind

It's getting late but I don't mind

It's getting late but I don't mind

It's getting late but I don't mind

It's getting late but I don't mind

It's getting late but I don't mind

It's getting late but I don't mind

hey,hey

yeah,yeah

hey,hey

yeah,yeah

hey,hey

yeah,yeah

hey,hey

yeah,yeah...

My Musical Moods

I love music.  Almost all kinds of music.  Music is always bonded with memories in my head. Certain music makes me think of people, places and moments. I get depressed that there's not constant theme music playing during moments in my life.  Maybe I watch too many movies to want this to happen but still!  Just so you can understand what it is I'm trying to explain, here a basic list of what certain songs mean to me -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaKnRUfh_5I

Yes you got your spell on me baby
Turning my heart into stone.
I need you so much magic woman
I can't leave you alone.

"Black Magic Woman" by Santana is a cold beer on a hot summer day with the breeze of the ocean blowing through your hair.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxNM7j_ppHI


There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.

"The Wall" by Pink Floyd is siting in a darkened dorm room watching the multi-colored music notes rise from the flame of a burning candle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvF9PAxe5Ng

Turn on...I see red
Adrenaline crash & crash my head
Nitro Junkie, Paint me dead
And I see red

"Fuel" by Metallica is fist flying in the air from pented up rage in a sweaty mosh pit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kuoFiIFkdAA

I'm the one without a soul
I'm the one with this big fucking hole
No new tale to tell
Twenty-six years on my way to hell

"Wish" by Nine Inch Nails is pure hatred bought to life by lyrics only to be released in blood, sweat and tears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CwzMuDi7PcU

go on, take everything take everything i want you to
go on, take everything take everything i dare you to

"Violet" by Hole is the fury of a heartbroken woman.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcNvj12W5Gw

"Out of Body Experience" by Rabbit in the Moon is ecstatic and fluid movements out on a dance floor while the world moves with love around you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXi3mCfv15k

Feel The Funk You'll
Let Me Feel The Load
Get Down With The Boogie
I'm Gonna Knock With The Jungle Boogie
Get Down
Get Down With The Boogie Say

The majority of the Pulp Fiction Soundtrack is a coke and alcohol fueled car ride to the next party.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e69laCvKxEw

Times is rough and tough like leather
Figured out I went the wrong route
So I got with a sick tight clique and went all out
Catchin keys from across seas
Rollin in MPV's, every week we made forty G's
Yo brothas respect mine, or anger the tech nine
Ch-POW! Move from the gate now
 

"C.R.E.A.M." by Wu Tang Clan is a subway ride into the city with my kicks, baggy jeans and a high ponytail while checking out the cute ghetto boys across the aisle from me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wnm4aJe-j4
(okay, not the actual song I'm talking about but still a kick ass Deee Lite song and this samples and remix cd reminds me of my trip to Hungary when I was 21.  See?  Still relevant for the topic!)

DJ On-E's remix of "We Are Family" is a night of kaleidoscope colored people moving to the beat of this drummer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mjd7rZZLHY

I sit by and watch the river flow.
I sit by and watch the traffic go.
Imagine something of your very own

"Dreaming" by Blondie is a walk down Saint Mark's Place in the Village before getting to Washington Square Park in the springtime.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDIaDS9HhMw

Don't you know,
Honey, nobody ever gonna love you
The way I try to do.
Who'll be willing to take your pain
And all your heartache, too ?

"Cry Baby" by Janis Joplin is a tall, cold glass of Black Label and lemonade,  pack of Newports while hiding in the humid shade of a tree on a blanket on the grass.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rarQCyPQTLo

I still remember the first time you said that you love me
You held me in your arms
And said you'd never ever leave me

"Dream Boy Dream Girl" by Cynthia and Johnny O is teeny bopper crushes, late night phone calls and group dates to the movies before you were officially "allowed" to go on dates.


It's not hard for me to come up with the perfect song for the perfect moment in my head.

Possessed TV in South Beach!

http://miami.craigslist.org/mdc/zip/2046963081.html


I kid you not! 

I am generally trolling through craigslist.org because you never know what you can find.  People tend to give anyway just about everything and anything.  That's when I ran into this ad-

RCA tv about 10 years old which goes on and off frequently and generally is in total freak out mode. It may be fixable, it may need an exorcism. Either way it's free for the taking, and hopefully you could pick it up today early to mid afternoon. Text message or (above) email to 66 13 68 55 69. Good luck, etc.

• Location: Lincoln rd. Miami Beach
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

True friends are awesome.

I have are the ones who I know I  had some friends who have been around for a really long time.  These friends are ones I know I can count on no matter is what is going on.  The world could be ending and I know they would call me first to check on me and my girls.  I love these people to no end.  I appreciate them in ways no words can explain.  Right now, I'm with one that I have known since I was 15 years old.  She is like a sister to me and we know each other without ever having to say a word.  I will always thank the higher beings for it.  I just needed to share that.

This one goes out to...

Tonight is dedicated to the memory of Lone. I'm just relaxing at home with a six pack of Mike's Hard Pink Lemonade (which he always use to pick up for me), horror movies playing (which we always decided on watching) and the windows wide open in this 50-something degree weather (which would have reminded us of NYC). The only difference now is I won't have to keep reminding him to be quiet because he was as loud as I was and the 2 of us always got each other riled up. I really miss having him around. This one is for you, Lone.

What a Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong

I'm going to be moving very soon (which will be a rant very soon. This, I can promise.) and as I am slowly packing things away and deciding what stays and what goes, I realize I have a hell of a lot of photo albums, some of which are older than dirt. I get a total kick out of the ones from when I was in 8th grade because of the hairstyles and all of New Kids on the Block in every bedroom photo. Then there are the ones from high school in Jersey and in Miami. Again, my choice of hairstyle is my eldest daughter's constant source of amusement. And all throughout are family holidays with my parents, cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends and so on. Sadly, while I'm going through said photos, I realize that so many of the people in them are no longer here.

Both of my grandmothers are no longer here and it's crazy how much I miss them for totally separate reasons. I miss my Nana Eva (my maternal grandmother0 for her loud, crazy ways. She use to cook up some great holiday meals. It was my mom's childhood apartment in the Bronx is where I spent all of my early childhood holidays. She gave the best hugs and always had them readily available when we got to her house. My Nana Anita (obviously the paternal grandmother) is who I lived with until she passed away was the party grandma. She use to throw some kick ass parties that would last until 6 the next morning. My sister and her use to have a shot of tequila before they would get into discussions. I loved that I got to live with her later in life because we became super close and my eldest had her around to do anything she wished. Our biggest two jokes with each were she was not allowed to cook while I lived there because she could not cook well to save her life and she would take my eldest (she never got to meet my baby) out with her everywhere (usually shopping) and then me upon my return home from work that I owed her money. I'd laugh because she simply did not know how to tell my daughter "no" and when I'd mention that she could simply do so, she would reply (with a heavy Spanish accent), "But why should I tell her no?"

My great-grandmother (maternal) is in a lot of early pictures. We grew up in the same building that she lived in until she became to senile to live alone and went to live with my Aunt Erika. She was a stern but loving woman who spoke very little English (she was from Hungary) and help my young parents raise me. Again, I don't know if it's the Hungarian in them but she had the best hugs. And her little apartment on the 5th floor was always sunny. She use to keep sugar cubes for her tea in a little glass bowl on her table that we use to eat like candy. In her cabinet, she had a drawer that we always knew had the cookies we liked as kids. She use to crochet beautifully and she's the one who taught me how to do so.

My Uncle Andy (maternal) was the biggest trip. He use to introduce himself as "Uncle Andy" to anyone he met. We became close the years he lived down here in Florida. He use to come out and party with all of us and all of our friends knew and loved him. He was one of my mom's older brother and he and my dad had been like brothers. My Uncle Andy had been sick for almost 10 years with cancer, cirrhosis of the liver, Hepatitis among other things. Every time he ended up in the hospital and supposedly on his deathbed, the family would get together and he wold pull through. The doctors couldn't even explain it. I remember walking into the hospital one time and yelling at him, "What the hell are you still doing alive? Die, already! You're making everyone cry and you're still freaking living!" He would laugh at me and say, "You're such a bitch but I love you." That was the kind of relationship we had.

Multiple friends have already gone as well. Johanna passed away right before I was to turn 21 in a car accident. My best friend Diego was killed in his own home when I was 29. My best friend Lone died of an overdose July 4th of 2009, right before my youngest was born. I miss him so much. He was the one person who I could count on for endless things. We had known each other the longest. We grew up togetehr in the same neighborhood in NY. There would be nights I would be home bored and by myself just wanting company and he would show up with a six pack a movie and munchies and we would fall asleep in the middle of the movie. Never failed. Then lastly, Jeremy passed away one month after our daughter was born from the the combination of the OTC medication he was taking for a cold and the prescription medication he was taking for his shoulder. Life's not fair in a lot of ways.

Last but definitely not least, is my dad. He passed away 2 weeks before my 31st birthday. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him or talk out loud to him. I was a Daddy's Girl completely. He just got me and was the buffer between me and my mom. He was happy go lucky and always laughing. The movie Animal House always reminds me of him. Everyone from his friends, family and all of our friends all had a story about my dad that started with "One night, your father and I were out drinking and..." and the hilarity would ensue. I still get chocked up when I think about him or hear a song that reminds me of him. That's what this song is about. He loved this song. While driving to work this morning, I was thinking about him and all the others and this song came on on a station that would not normally play it. All I could do was look up at the rising sun and blue skies between the rain clouds and say, "Hi Dad."

He's getting married.

I found out today that my ex-boyfriend just recently got engaged to his daughter's mother. Now, I can't really say I'm surprised because I called it years ago while he and I were together. I straight out told him he would marry her because of convienence. That he would marry her because she got pregnant while saying she was on birth control right before he was to be stationed down here to ultimately meet me and date me for three years. That he would marry her because she turns a blind eye at all the other women he has had while with her and still has. I knew it was eventually coming but I'm still shocked by it. I don't want to say I'm hurt but it's doing something to me that I can't quite put into words. I was suppose to marry my youngest daughter's father but he got back into drugs and died. So who am I to have some sort of feeling about this all? I know it bothers me that he was making plans to come down soon to see me and I want to keep my mouth shut when he does get in touch with me because, sadly, I know he will. I want to see how far he's going to ty to take it. And all I want to do is give him a big FUCK YOU and a great big punch to the head. Yeah, that'll make me feel better. Until then, I'm going to blast metal until my ears hurt. Thank God for music.

Is it love?

I was told a long while back that in order for a relationship to work, I should make sure that the guy I end up with should love me a bit more than I him.  Now, this never made sense to me.  Why should either person love the other any less than the other?  Wouldn't that mean that I would be settling?  I don't want to have to settle for anyone if I'm planning on spending my life with someone.  And why on Earth would I want to stay with a guy who is so into me and not have the same feelings for him?  But, then I realized that in every relationship I've ever been in, I have always cared about the guy more than they cared about me.  I was always the one who was swept up in love and couldn't even fathom hurting them yet they had no qualms about cheating on me and justifying it as I did not give them enough attention or enough something or another.  So, maybe there is some truth in what I was told.  Maybe, I do need to find a man who will watch me adoringly, who will put my feelings first, who would never think about hurting me.  Or maybe, I'm just a lust junkie.  Just maybe my addictive personality does ruin my relationships.  Maybe I simply want that initial passionate lust that permeates the beginning of every relationship.  Do I even know if I can make it through a truly long term relationship?  The longest one I've been in lasted 3 years and it's not like it should have even lasted that long (again with the cheating!  I swear, he actually carried on other relationships while he was with me!).  Maybe Disney and Hollywood messed me up for good and I can't even see what a good guy I have in front of me.  Because it seems like I have the opportunity to have this good guy if I want him and I know all I have to do is say so but I can't figure out what is stopping me.  No, I'm totally fibbing.  I want that crazy passion and I just don't feel it.  Could I possibly really be that cold ice princess that I've tried to deny for years?  I mean, my perfect relationship is Morticia and Gomez Addams.  No lie!

Aaahh, the perfect harmony of goth and love!

I adore how she is as cool as ice, no emotion visible on her face until that moment she looks at him and you can see the fire burning in her eyes.  And he simply adores her like no other person or object in this galaxy.  He is constantly showering her with love, compliments, affection and she simply allows him to do so because it makes him happy.  I guess that's sort of what I have but what real man is going to be completely happy with a woman who hardly ever shows him affection?  None that I have met so here I am, stuck in the middle.  Who knows any more?  I guess I'll just have to let it play out and figure it out as time goes on.