And now she's walking!

My youngest turned 11 months old a few days ago. She's been walking in short bursts, usually no more than a few feet at a time. This morning, she seems to have decidedd that she onlys wants to walk from now on. The whole day, she has only walked. She hasn't crawle once. While I'm thrilled that she hit this milestone even earlier than my eldest, it just means she's now running from babyhood. It's funny how being a mom is filled with moments of overjealous joy and melancholyall at the same time. Next time I blink, My eldest will be graduating high school and my baby will be wanting to wear make up.

Deadly Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

Years ago, I use to write a zine for a large group of friends. I always had a section where I use to list totally useless and irrelavant information. Once, I listed that caregivers of the physically disabled and handicap were not allowed to give them peanut butter and jelly sandwiches due to the peanut butter being a choking hazard. I'm reading the Miami New Times and there is an article of a woman in the Florida House of Representatives who owns multiple group homes in South Florida. It turns out that in July 2006, a resident of one of these homes died after choking to death on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Now, if I knew this at my rave-filled days of 19 years old, shouldn't have trained nurses prevented the resident from eating said sandwich? I'm just saying.

I am not the owner of the company.

I'm sitting here wondering if I'm even going to get my paycheck because my boss has decided that he has too many meeting to cut paychecks and I either have to wait until 5 o'clock to get mine or wait until Monday.  Here's my problem with this.  Being a single mom, I'm the only one who picks up my daughters from school and day care unless I set it up with a family member ahead of time.  Since I didn't find this out until an hour ago, what does he expect me to do?  Leave them there and say "oh, well"?  I normally get out of work at 2:30 because I only work part time.  I don't mind staying later but not at last minute when I didn't set anything up.  Working only part time forces me to make cuts in things I need, prioritize what needs to be bought and paid for and, yes, like most Americans I live paycheck to paycheck, so when I'm expecting to get paid today in order to do what I need to do for the weekend and the rest of the week, I can't wait until Monday.  It's not like I even get sick hours for when one of the girls get sick or even build up vacation hours to spend time with my girls.  I don't get company insurance and I doubt he even pays workman's comp if I fall from climbing to search through the boxes in the other room.  My stomach is in knots and I'm giving myself a headache now because I have no idea what is going on or how I'm even going to get home with no gas in my car and $2 in my wallet.  This sucks so much that I want to jump on his desk and scream in his face.  I do not like being put in this situation, especially is have done my work and when he knows what my situation is.  Seriously, I'm trying to make ends meet on about $315 a week for me and 2 kids.  Waiting for money is not an option for me.  If I'm expecting it, that means I need it.  I keep praying in head that he'll even cut me my check manually, even if it's not for the full amount just so I can get done what needs to be done immediately.  I think I'm going to be sick. 

Why don't we, why don't we, why don't we...run away!

What I would give to simply pack up the girls and me and get the hell out of here and start over somewhere, anywhere but here. This house is like a blackhole sucking the life out of me. The last three years here has bought me nothing but stress, sadness and lose. I know I'm moving in the next three weeks but it seems like while I'm here, I'm paying for evil deeds of a past life. I'm truely getting sick of hearing "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". Seriously, who the hell does God think I am? I'm stressed to the point of not being able to sleep, not being able to eat and wanting to hide a cry. I hate crying. I get all red and puffy. So not a good look for me. What I want is out of this city. I feel like I don't have anything here anymore. My family is here but what else? I know that having them around is important but I can't take being here right now. I want to start completely anew and I can't do that here. I've tried many times and it doesn't work. Whatever. I want to live the song Runaway by Deee Lite. I want to take off and not look back. Why is it so hard to do just that?

The New Guy

I work for an interior design firm.  It's a small company but I always had a preference for small companies because they feel more like a family than work.  I happen to love my job.  I have the best time at work and even though I am not a morning person and the commute is a bit much in Miami traffic terms, I don't mind because I love it.  Now, of the 5 of us who are here on a daily basis, I am the only straight single woman and I'm the youngest one here.  At almost 35, I like that.  So, we have a new guy starting here officially on Monday November 1st.  He came into the office today to meet everyone and to meet with the owner.  Needless to say, he's a pretty good looking guy or else I wouldn't be writing about him.  He's got that baritone voice that my knees melt for, not too pretty looking, nicely dressed and smelt amazing.  (No, I didn't attack him at the door but he did have to pass right by me so I considered myself lucky.  That would have just been creepy.)  When he starts, he's going to be sitting right next to me.  And I don't mean at a desk that's a few feet away.  I'm talking about I can straighten out my left arm, stretch about 6 inches to the left  and I could hit him in the head.  Not that he brings about any feelings of violence but you get the picture.  That's kinda close for new people but I don't mind.  I do mind that now I'm going to have to primp and look good every day when I come to work.  I do mind because I'm going to be self-conscious if I have anything stuck in my teeth, if I forgot deodorant, if my lunch made my breath smells, if my boob is coming out of my shirt, if my outfit makes me looks fats, if I have a booger hanging from my nose when I sneezed, etc., etc.  This constant self-consciousness will last until I find out his sexual orientation.  I say this because I am 1 of the only 2 straight people in this office and the other is a married man.  So, my days will now be filled with more chatter as he sits to my left.  If I find out he's batting for the other team, then it'll be fun.  But if he is straight, then I'm going to have to force myself to throw him into the friend zone so I can get over myself.  But "Temptation" by Corina will be playing in my head until I know.

My Aria

After having a tearful heart to heart with my ten year old daughter, my heart hurts and I want to cry. She was upset and not wanting to go to school tomorrow. When I finally got her to tell me why, she bursted out in tears to say that no one likes her. In her mind, the kids in her class think she's mean, that she's fat (@ 10, she stands at 5'2" and weighs 120 and wears a size 8 1/2 women's shoe!) and that they hate her. She feels like she only has her one best friend and that the other girls keep trying to take her away so she'll have no one. She says she tries to talk to some of the kids in her class but they walk away from her after she says hi. She cries as she tells me that no one talks to her in class. All she wants is for them to like her. She says this is why she gets so fustrated in the mornings trying to figure out how to do her hair because she wants to look nice. I watch her look at herself so critically in the mirror and it hurts that all I can do is hug her and not fix it. I'm her mother. I'm suppose to be able to fix it when she hurts. It all reminded me of when I was that age and how I felt ugly and fat and how the group of girls I thought were my friends turned their backs on me and started talking about me. Why do girls have to go through this? Is it really that difficult to teach our daughters how not to be catty and accepting of who a person is rather than what they look like? What am I suppose to do for her? I don't like feeling helpless like this. I'm suppose to make sure she's smiling. How am I suppose to help her make it better? Is there even a way of making it better?

Junkie

I'll admit it.  I am a total freebie site junkie.  I can not get enough of them.  I love going to my mailbox every day when I get home and checking to see if any of the free things I ordered is waiting for me to try.  I have gotten all kinds of free crap from makeup samples to diapers to free photo printing to food.  I love it!  I have no idea when it started but as far back as I can remember, I was always sending away for free things.  Half the time, I know it's not anything I need but it's free, damn it!  And that makes me want it.  Do I really need 4 different ring sizers?  No but I might.  Do I really need that Salvation Army Christmas calendar?  No, but someone else I know might.  I don't even like my daughter's dog but I'll order free treats and food for it.  I never know if I'll need any of the free things I get but why not have them just in case.  Well, at least this isn't an addiction that will put me in a rehab, psych ward or in a grave. 

WE ARE ONLY HUMAN.

There's nothing more unattractive than a man who can not hold his liquor. It's just sad.

Baby Mama

I drive a 1994 Ford Tempo which drives surprisingly well, has cold A/C, a working radio and has less than 80,000 miles.  I really can't complain because, hey, at least I have a car and it doesn't look as if it's falling apart.  But, because it's a basic car, I only have radio which means my musical fix gets chopped up in the mornings by radio djs talking the world of garbage.  I admit, some of it is entertaining and funny, but other times I'm forced to constantly change channels for 15 minutes straight before I find actual music and not talking.  This particular morning, a female dj on a popular Miami radio station admits that she would love to be called a "baby mama".  She finds it hot.  The moments those words came out of her mouth, I felt my face flush and my blood begin to boil.  Here's why:

According to www.urbandictionary.com, this is the first 6 definitions of the meaning of "baby mama" -

1. The mother of your child(ren), whom you did not marry and with whom you are not currently involved.

2. A term used to define an unmarried young woman (but can be a woman of any age) who has had a child. As mentioned before in another definition, most of the time it is used for when it was simply a sexual relationship, compared to ex-wife or girlfriend. Usually this has a negative connotation, a lot of baby mamas are seen as desperate, gold digging, emotionally starved, shady women who had a baby out of spite or to keep a man. Sometimes they may act like this because of missed child support payments, unfulfilled promises by the father, or convenient sex by the father. Either or both may exist in any situation.

 3. Basically a woman you had a child or children with who you didnt marry and or no longer involved with.Usually associated with hoodrats and trailer park bitches.

4.  1.Who to make the check out to.
     2.The mother of your children.
     3.A source of endless emotional pain and/or headaches

5. A woman who has a child out of wedlock with a man. She may or may not be in a relationship with the man, but most of the time, she's not. She may think she has some sort of postion or leverage in the man's life, just because she had a child with the man, but all she is, is a baby mama, nothing else. Some baby mamas use the child as a pawn or weapon to "get what they want" from the child's father, IE: money, food, sex, etc. If the man is in a realtionship with a woman who has no children, the baby mama may become jealous and cause baby mama drama. A stereotype associated with baby mama's is they are poor, lazy bitches who trapped the man into getting her pregnant or tricked him by saying she was on the pill, thinking the man would pay her way in life just because she has a child with him. Not all baby mama's are like that. The majority of them just act like they can control the man just because they had a seed with them, and make it difficult for the man and threaten to take the child away or sue for more child support if the baby mama doesn't get her way.

6. a term used for females who had a baby by a guy that does not claim them, hence, THEY ARE NOT TOGETHER. a lot of girls, namely wiggers/wigger bitches think it's cute to be a dude baby mama and proudly brag about it and try to attach "wifey" along to the title. this is a key sign of a fake bitch who aint from the ghetto but just tryna be down usin the word completely out of context. once you're a baby mama, THAT'S IT. you're nothing more. it's not a compliment. yall aint special. or else you wouldn't be referred to as a baby mama. havin a dude baby don't mean you have some sort of significance in his life. and him referring to you as his baby mama is just his way of sayin he don't love you and will dread the next 18 years and regrets that night 9 months ago.

 Mind you, there were over 20 more definitions after these initial 6 but they all boiled down to the same thing.  I abhor that term.  I find it disgustingly derogatory.  I don't find it endearing.  It is not something that is said in a positive manner.  It makes you appear to be trashy.  I work hard as hell to take care of my girls by myself.  I do not sit on my ass all day long bitching about how I'm waiting all the time on child support and constantly complaining about my girls' fathers.  Yes, they have 2 different fathers.  Yes, if it wasn't for Medicaid, they wouldn't have health insurance.  But I work and have always worked.  I have never caused drama in either father's life.  I do not expect for someone to swoop down and sweep me off my feet to take care of me.  I am realist.  I do it myself.  Why on Earth would any self-respecting woman want to be called a "baby mama"?!?  You are a mother of a child.  Do not stand to be called anything less if you want to be treated with dignified respect.  Honestly, the ignorance of some people make me wonder why they were given the ability to speak.